A Mother Knows
By Titilope Sonuga
Only a mother knows how miracles happen
how the spark of an idea becomes a heartbeat
how a universe is formed in the quiet of her womb
Only a mother knows how to house a galaxy in her body
how to speak its light into existence
and weave the thread of life in her gentle hands
A mother knows how to protect her child
how to swoop down and snatch it
from the mouth of any danger
This is what they say:
that mother knows best
guided by a spiritual intuition
an umbilical connection to her child
she anticipates every need before it arises
But no one prepares you for this
a body that betrays itself
a muddy gene pool
nerves that jam like a trigger
There is no manual for a lifetime
of standing in the gap
of stretching hope to its very limit
of crying out to God
to doctors
hoping madly for anything that can bend time
fold me back inside my own body
to find that errant string of DNA
and pluck it at its root
I want so desperately
to gather the mangled cells into my hands
hold them still and beg them
to give me back my child
weave them into a chord
a melody
a voice that can call me by name
say I see you
say I love you
say mama
But only the silence answers back
a shadow of a word
eyes that will not latch on
Fear presses into my belly
with open palms
forms a fist that knocks the air out
Strangers whispers crowd the room
judgment falling from their faces
for the mother of this child
whose body folds forward like a question
they cannot understand
this desperate wailing with no language
But I still remember how it felt
to house a universe in my belly
the quiet victory of your becoming
so for this child
I reach through membrane and blood memory
sit with you
match my body to your rhythm
vibrate back a love song
Even when your body is a wall I cannot get over
I will still love my way through to you
and I will wait
for that one look
one step
one word
the power of one touch
I will offer up my back again and again
for my rainbow child who dreams in color
who moves to a divine rhythm
even when I cannot hear it
Who knew
that I could mine joy from this sorrow
use your laughter as a balm
a kind of healing
So that when they ask about you
I will offer up my voice when yours fails
snatch you out of the mouth of any danger
guard your ears from the voices that follow
Tell them you are other worldly
you are magic and moon dust
you are a testament to a love that persists
inspite of itself.
This gift
this child who is still a miracle
this child who is still
mine